From Social Anxiety To Socially Adept. Learning To Fly!

I don't ever remember Social Anxiety being coined as a phrase when I was growing up. I had no confidence, I was shy and I had an exaggerated feeling of fear of how I'd be perceived by others. It's only recently that I realised that the struggles I went through could be summarised under the term 'Social Anxiety Disorder'. Would a label have made any difference, probably not but it may have given me a guided pathway to free myself from the crippling thoughts that plagued my life. Instead I did it my way! And it feels so good to be free.

From the brief research that I've done into the history of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), it wasn't a term that was used until 1994, when it replaced social Phobia as an official diagnosis and was defined as a 'marked and persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or possible scrutiny by others' Dating further back Social Anxiety was often referred to as 'social neurosis' or 'extreme shyness'.

So where does Social Anxiety come from?

I don't know the exact scientific facts about how social anxiety develops and everyone is different. I can only give my account on how it was for me. Looking back now, I don't recall a time when I wasn't consumed by an overwhelming fear of unfamiliar people and situations. I remember being at a nursery playgroup, so I must have been about 3. I don't have any memories of gaining any enjoyment from being there, it was more something that had to be endured until I could return to my safe haven at home. My brother was also due to move on to school and he was the only familiar person I knew there. The end of term was marked with an indoor sports day, where our parents would come to watch us as we were expected to take part in one of the events. I remember even at that age, being overcome with fear at just the thought of doing the egg and spoon race I'd been nominated for. I never took part, I couldn't. All those eyes on me, waiting for me to drop the egg and make a fool of myself. I could already see them laughing and shaking their heads. I may have done really well but I couldn't know for sure. No way was I putting myself up for that kind of humiliation. Of course I can see now that this is completely irrational and I probably drew more attention to myself by refusing and alienating myself from the others.

School was an uncomfortable place to be. On my first day, I was chased around the classroom with a pair of scissors by another pupil. Other kids laughed and poked fun at me. This confirmed my suspicions. I couldn't trust them, they were out to get me, they weren't supportive and they weren't looking for the best in me, they were judgemental and waiting for me to trip up. Everyone else was happy and making friends, so it really was something about me that people didn't like. Even some of the teachers appeared evil, pinching me to make me speak or pulling my hair till it hurt. I had a reason to be anxious. One of the very few 'friends' I did make, bullied me into eating sandwiches I didnt like and would get her dog to bite me until I could free myself from its jaws. Another friends brother would poke fun at me everytime I went round there and I soon became convinced that all brothers except mine would be mean to me. So I isolated myself further and refused to go.

Childrens parties were a mass of arguments , with girls picking sides and leaving each other out. Talking, pointing and judging each other.

I could go on and on reciting tales like this but what I'm really trying to point out is that although I started out as a shy, nervous child, all these experiences did was confirm in my mind that everything you did, everything you said, how you looked, walked and talked was being watched and judged and was the marker of how well liked or accepted you were. And if you messed up or said the wrong thing, there were uncomfortable consequences to deal with. There was now a very real perceived threat to me in every interaction I had.

So possibly my anxiety stemed from a mixture of acute self awareness as a child and a history of unfortunate early experiences.

So what does it feel like to live with Social Anxiety?

As I mentioned above, no two people will have the same experience of living wth social anxiety but I'm sure for anyone who's suffered they'll be comparisons they can relate to. Maybe even if you've never suffered, you might be able to recognise moments in your life where you may have felt this way, even if they were fleeting thoughts that never amounted to anything. Perhaps you've wondered why another person finds situations almost impossible to deal with, where you would consider it a normal part of life. There might have been times in your life where you've met that strangely awkward person, who never seems to talk, mumbles and seems unable to answer a simple question. The person who avoids eye contact at all costs, the one with the beetroot red cheeks or the one who randomly bursts into tears or disappears with no word or explanation.

I was that strangely awkward person! And I did all of those things!

I've burst in to tears in restaurants, trying to order my food. Such a simple task for many but I've sat there numorous times, scanning the menu, looking for something I like but also something I could pronounce, that had the least possible number of words for me to say. Thoughts running through my mind included but were not limited to - will they know I'm ready to order or what if I'm sitting here all night, can I stare at the menu or will I have to look them in the eyes. What if they don't understand me or ask me questions I haven't prepared for. They may tell me its run out and I'll have an extended period of uncomfortableness, whilst they stare at me, waiting for me to pick something else. Don't even dare ask me if I want to try the wine, I'd rather drink the worst wine in the house than have you looking at me waiting for my feedback.

If I was dining with anyone I wasn't familiar with, this whole experience would be further exacerbated, not only is the waiter looking at me but I have a number of beady eyes looking my way. More often than not I would get someone else to order for me or leave my requests with someone whilst I excused myself to the toilet. Sometimes it was all too overwhelming and I'd just burst into tears. Now if people weren't looking at me before and judging me, they certainly were now but I had no control over the emotions that flowed through me.

So many times I've wanted to do something and missed out. I remember attending one of my father's work family days out. Everyone put their names down to participate in the go kart racing, I just looked on longing to have a go, it looked so much fun! All laughing and joking with each other, getting competitive and firing banter at one another. It's stuck with me all these years, the agony of being torn over wanting to be in the thick of it but paralysed by fear of what may happen if I did brave it and have a go. I don't know what was worse, people nudging me and trying to convince me I should join in or being left to one side whilst everyone else formed some sort of clan bonding over their new experience. I felt isolated, ignored and frankly exhausted by the endless abuse my brain was throwing at me.

So what's so bad about jumping in a go kart and driving round the track for all of two minutes? Again the thoughts- what if it doesn't start, what if I push the wrong pedal, smash into the side or run over the guy standing in the middle of the track supervising it. What if I win or lose, both would bring me more attention than I was comfortable with.

Now public speaking is a common cause of anxiety for many people, so maybe you'd relate on this level if nothing else. I walked out of college via the toilets and never came back, all because 'to fill the time' we all had to give a 5 minute speech on a topic of our choice. I mean, I couldn't even talk to the person next to me let alone in front of a group of people. I remember the panic rising in my chest, the shaking, the sweating. I had nothing to say about anything anyone would be interested in, they wouldn't be able to hear me anyway as I spoke like a mouse and I'd be mumbling, bright red and quite likely tearful. Everyone else appeared calm, collected and having fun. How was that even possible! I had that fight or flight moment and I flew out of that door quicker than you could say Jack Robinson!

Normal day to day life was hard. Meeting new people or even people I'd met dozens of times before left me feeling different, judged and nervous. People would often recite the same old things:

-Has the cat got your tongue

-You don't have much to say

-Speak up, stop mumbling

-Why are you crying?

-Why have you gone red?

-At least you've got a pretty face

-Don't be so ridiculous

-All you do is smile and giggle

How I Overcame My Social Anxiety

Living with Social Anxiety, lack of confidence, extreme shyness or whatever one wants to define it as, for me was something that affected me deeply. It dominated my thoughts, before, during and after any human interaction. It took up a lot of time and energy, left me feeling exhausted, sad ,lonely, tormented and unable to be myself. I was missing out on life experiences and I couldn't express who I was. I felt trapped in my own head and frustrated in my inability to communicate.

I couldn't go on the way I was. I'd had enough of living this way. There was no real guidance for me at that time, it wasn't something I could research online. I bought a couple of books about improving your confidence but they weren't particularly helpful for my scenario. I dug deep in to the most powerful computer there is - my brain! Ironically the mind that was causing my pain was to become the source of my freedom from suffering.

For me there were 3 main parts to my recovery that I can pinpoint:-

1) Observational research

Before I did anything else, I decided, without pressure to take any action or change anything I was doing, I would quite simply watch what other people did and how others reacted to them. Many times I was surrouded by loud, seemingly very confident people in social settings, the perfect candidates for my secret research mission. What did these people talk about? Were they always right in what they said? How did people react to what they said? Did anyone really care? One significant observation I made was what happened when these people slipped up, used the wrong word in the wrong context, offended someone or said something that my have caused embarrassment. Do you know what, mostly no one noticed ( except me) not even the person that said it, the conversation continued. Sometimes the person that said it, held their hands up, laughed it off or drew attention to the mistake that had been made, No one really cared if someone stumbled on their words or pronounced a word in correctly and certainly no one was ridiculed in an uncomfortable way. And do you know how often these people made mistakes and said stupid things? All the time! In a nutshell, it was far more obvious and uncomfortable that I was sitting there saying nothing than if I'd said anything at all, no matter how stupid it may of sounded. And if I could laugh at myself or draw attention to any stupid or negative comment I thought I'd made then that would ease any tension and actually people would warm to me.

2) Consciously coming out of my comfort zone

So following on from what I'd learnt in my observations, I knew what I had to do - Start talking! Start doing the things that made me feel uncomfortable. Its not an easy thing to do, so I decided to start small and again without too much pressure placed upon myself. If I couldn't face it one day, I'd try again tomorrow. One day, one conversation at a time! Always remembering what I'd learnt and that it was better to say something than nothing at all! It was easier to throw in a one lined question at first, extending on what someone was already saying, then I could relax back and listen to the reply. I was ready with my ammunition of defence, should something cause me discomfort. 'yes I am going red, that always happens'. 'that was a silly thing to say' and I was ready to laugh at myself!

It took practice, it took time but it worked, it really worked! I became more and more confident to participate and it gradually became natural and of ease. I felt less anxious and really proud of myself. Over time I kept pushing myself out of my comfort zone and achieved some pretty amazing things.

3) Continuing to challenge myself

When you challenge yourself, you grow! I coined my own little motto that I live by' If you really want to do something and the only thing stopping you is fear or embarrasment, then make sure you do it anyway!' I guarentee it's a much more fulfilling way to live your life.

Thanks to this motto, I've sung in front of an audience, jumped out of a plane, started my own succesful business, started lifting weights and taken up pole fitness to name a few.

I start conversations with strangers and yes I order my own meals with ease. I have a few things that I'm not 100% comfortable doing and I still have moments of anxiety and doubt but for the most I live a happy, confident, fulfilling life where I know that nothing is outside the realms of possibility and that's a wonderful feeling of freedom.